Unequal Dialogue

It happened one week ago. However, I had to wait until yesterday before I could talk to them about it. Even so, I was thinking through this issue throughout the past week, contemplating about the kind of approach I should adopt in handling this sticky issue.

I know what I will do. When I confront them, I will unleash my wrath and pronounce judgment upon them, expecting my faithful allies named Remorse and Guilt to compel them to repent. If that is not enough, I will adopt scare tactic by threatening to tell the pastor and their parents about it. Lastly, to be sure that they have truly repented, I will force them to make a promise not to repeat their doings.

It does not take much experience to predict the outcome of the confrontation. Surely they will listen to my "preaching" and make the promise of non-recurrence at the end of the dialogue. But will they feel penitent? Most probably not. On the contrary, they will be extra careful in concealing their doings from now onwards, making sure that no one is watching them when they perform their acts.

Even though we know that such an approach will lead to such an outcome, yet isn't this how many parents respond when they find themselves in such a situation? When parents find out that their children had done something wrong, more than often they will suffer from verbal diarrhea, rebuking, condemning, preaching and nagging at their children over the wrongdoing. The children will have no opportunity to respond, because parents often assume that whatever the children have to say are mere excuses. It is a lecturing monologue.

Then, they become puzzled when they see their children ignoring their warnings and willfully persisting in their wrongdoings. Yet, parents often ignore the fact (ignorantly or deliberately) that underlying these external conducts are deeper, unseen issues. Most of the time, the external conducts will cease when the deeper issues are resolved. Thus, rather than keep bombarding at the external expressions of the problem, parents need to patiently listen to the struggles of their children and journey with them in battling the issues.

However, it is not enough for parents to listen, for it can be just a top-down dialogue, where parents listen in order to advice. This happens when parents see their teenage children as ignorant, foolish, immature and needing constant nagging and scolding lest they fall out of the boundaries of rightness. When children engage in such dialogues, they will eventually stop talking, because the parents are hearing but not listening.

In order for children to be willing to allow their parents to be co-travelers in their journey, the parents need to treat their children as equals, as adults who are given freedom to choose, to make mistakes, and to be responsible for their choices. When parents view their children as the "other", the dialogue will become an equal dialogue, where parents listen in order to understand. When parents come in this posture of listening, the children will be more than willing to open up their world to their parents.

"What happened to the youths in the end?"

I chose not to scold nor judge them. I chose to treat them as adults who have the freedom to choose but at the same time, to be responsible for their own actions. They responded positively by revealing to me the root issues that resulted in their actions. We talked for 2 hours. At the end of the discussion, they took the initiative in telling me that they were repentant for their actions.

It was a good start. My primary concern for now is not that they may repeat the offense, but that they will continue to be honest with me and allow me to journey together with them in handling those deeper issues.